Kids Need A Patient Ear

Kids Need A Patient Ear
By Gregory Ramey
New York Times

Listening is what matters when children talk. Participate actively and end the conversation on a positive note

“Dogs, grandparents, and stuffed animals” are the most common responses I hear from children when asked a simple, but important question: “Who do you talk to when you have a problem?”

The importance of grandparents is understandable, but why would kids choose a stuffed animal or family pet rather than talking to a parent? Here are things parents can learn from pets, grandparents, and stuffed animals.

1. Don’t talk so much
Sometimes young kids just need to talk and to say out loud their many and conflicting thoughts and feelings. They don’t really know what they think or feel. They just need a friendly presence to listen.

Children talk like the rest of us. They say contradictory things, change the subject or express feelings that seem rather extreme or inappropriate. What they need is someone to be there as they try to figure out their confusing worlds.

Kids feel this presence from their grandparents, a warm sense of love and acceptance without interruptions, and overreactions they get from their parents.

2. Make time to communicate
Young children are not always good at communicating on adult schedules. It’s important to respond to kids when they want to talk. Parents report this is typically at bed or bath time, or when kids have returned from some events, such as right after preschool or playing with a friend.

Dogs are good at this. Kids report their pets are always there for them and never say “we’ll talk later”.

3. Understand the real reasons why they want to talk
Young children sometimes just want to express what they are thinking. Act like a stuffed animal, just listen and don’t say anything!

4. Know when to stop
Young kids are really cute about the way they talk. I’ve learned you need to follow the lead from children. When they are done talking, they are really done. Pressuring them doesn’t work and decreases the likelihood they will speak with you again.

5. Use active listening techniques
Young kids respond very well to open-ended questions such as “What do you mean?” or “Tell me more about that.” It’s also helpful to summarise the main idea or feelings as a way to let your children know that you really understood what they are saying.

6. Encourage but don’t pressure kids to talk
Here’s where grandparents really excel. They understand that young children communicate by their behaviour.

7. Be mindful of how you end the conversation
Kids remember how conversations begin and end. If the conversation requires some follow-up actions, be sure to get back to your child within the day. Humour or hugs can be a great way to end the discussion on a positive note.

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